what-aphragm?: the mystery of female contraception.

Photo by Babaco

To preface this, I have absolutely NO experience with diaphragms. I don’t use one, I don’t know anyone that uses one…I’ve never even seen one. I don’t know what it looks like, and I don’t even really know how it works. I’ve never really had the desire to find out since condoms seem to pretty much do the trick in the sack (sorry, guys) but I feel like lately, my lack of knowledge on the female condom has been haunting me.

About a week ago, while watching a rerun of Friends. Monica was on the phone with her boyfriend (well, she thought it was her boyfriend but it was actually her mom…comical, right?) and she said, “Oh, before I forget, I left my diaphragm at your place.” To which I reply, out loud to no one in particular, “You get one diaphragm and REUSE IT?!?”

Later, while snuggling up with my current reading choice, she mentions looking for the case for her diaphragm. “IT HAS A CASE?!?!”

Somewhere along here, I may be watching Seinfeld and Elaine may mention her diaphragm. Other examples ensue. But those two instances were enough for me to want to know more. Thus began my quest for knowledge on the woman’s answer to the condom: The Diaphragm.

What better place to start than Wikipedia? The ever-so-reliable source defines the diaphragm as “a cervical barrier type of birth control. It is a soft latex or silicone dome with a spring molded into the rim. The spring creates a seal against the walls of the vagina.” This doesn’t really help me. I kind of had that idea in my head. From there, however, the article gets a lot more complicated. What I learned is that diaphragms are a pain in the ass.

Reason #1 Why A Diaphragm Is A Pain In The Ass Okay, to get your diaphragm, you first have to make a “fitting appointment” with your gynecologist because they “come in different sizes.” What happens if it’s too small? It might fall out (and might I note that Wikipedia specifies that it might fall out during intercourse OR a bowel movement. Nice.) and plus your partner can feel it. Too big, and your looking at some bruising of your puss and pressure on your urethra. Oh and every time you gain or lose 10 pounds you have to get that puppy refitted.
A birth control comparison site gives some handy tips on inserting your diaphragm: “You can try it standing with one foot on top of a chair, sitting with your knees apart, or lying down with your knees bent.” They also warn that spermicide may leak out and it tastes pretty rank, so you should clean down there with a wash cloth so if your future holds oral sex your partner won’t puke on your lady parts. Under disadvantages the site also lists, “can be messy.” Great.

Reason #2 Why A Diaphragm Is A Pain In The Ass Putting on the diaphragm sounds complicated and stupid. First you have to wash your hands, but whatever, washing hands is good anyway. Then you have to put a teaspoon of spermicide on your ‘phragm (as I have decided to call it). So whatever, you shove it in and it covers your cervix (I have trouble inserting a tampon much less a friggen ring of latex that has to hug my cervix). Well after all this, you have sex and everything is great, cool. After you take it out, you have to CLEAN it in soapy water and then put it in your little bejeweled ‘phragm case (I’m just saying, if I had a diaphragm, the case would be decorated). But wait, I’m jumping ahead of myself. Before removal, you have to leave it up your cooch for 6 to 8 hours after the sex. By this time, I would have forgotten that my diaphragm was up there. Why leads me to my next reason…

Reason #3 Why A Diaphragm Is A Pain In The Ass They can cause toxic shock syndrome, of which I am TERRIFIED. Other issues with diaphragms: their effectiveness sucks. The failure of condoms is about 2% while the failure of diaphragms is about 6%. The typical pregnancy rate among condom users is 10%-18%, while with the diaphragm it’s 10%-39%. Shitty!! And it’s no more effective than condoms in preventing STDs, except MAYBE HPV (because it’s all hugging on your cervix and protecting it). They also INCREASE the risk of urinary tract infections, yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis, which is maybe the grossest combination of words I have ever heard.

I’ve definitely answered a lot of my own questions, but the most important question still remains unanswered: why use a diaphragm instead of a condom? The ‘phragm has to be fitted, refitted, inserted, cleaned, kept track of….a condom just gets rolled on, used, thrown away, AND is more effective. I don’t get it! If you use a diaphragm, feel free to leave me a comment and let me know WHY you use one.

Moral of this post: Condoms > Diaphragms. For sure.