quote of the day

“The second kiss is always tougher than the first one…that first kiss, it’s the passionate one. It’s the one fueled by desire and attraction and all that. But the second kiss is rational. You’ve had time to think about it. Worry, and overanalyze. Most women, they prefer the first kiss – but I’m partial to the second one. Because it’s about something more.”
-Dawson’s Creek

letters to my favorite ex-boyfriends/flings/crushes

Photo by alundpughe

Dear Matthew*,

You were the first boy I ever had a crush on! I never went through the “cooties” phase or any phrase where I believed boys to be gross. I was boy crazy from the beginning. You were in my preschool class and you looked adorable in your acid wash jean shorts and TMNT tee. And you had such a nice smile!

I don’t remember doing this but in a video of our preschool graduation, my dad zooms in on us while I fix your collar for you and fuss with your clothes to make sure you look fabulous for the most important days of our lives (at that point). We look just like a married couple. It’s adorable.

But after pre-school we went out separate ways and to this day I have never run into you again.

Dear Mark,

I think after two of our classmates became a “couple” at recess in second grade and had a public wedding ceremony, you and I wanted in on the action. I’m not sure how we ever paired up. I do remember I had to bring in a note to go home with you after school and our teacher laughed and teased us, which was awkward.

We went back to your house and locked ourselves in you room. We made rings out of rubber bands, put them on each other’s fingers, and kissed. We fell to the ground laughing at how ridiculous it all was and swore to never tell anyone about it. Of course we told all our friends the next day. And I’m telling everyone now.

Dear Jesse,

I spent most of fifth grade changing my mind over whether I had a crush on you or your best friend. I can’t even remember now who won out in the end, though I think in the end it was you. I remember my best friend and I sitting in the back of the bus with you and him on the way to a field trip thinking we were so cool – rambunctiously flirting and teasing each other. I also remember I found a caterpillar at recess one day that I named Jack Dawson and you threw him on the ground and smooshed him. This probably meant you liked me.

Dear Heath,

You were my first “boyfriend,” although this was in middle school so, make necessary adjustments to the definition of “boyfriend.” You were sweet and we had fun, though to be honest I remember very little of our time together. It has nothing to do with you, it’s my silly memory.

We went to the movies a lot on “dates” and were completely and utterly innocent in every way. We never kissed, hardly held hands, and were perfectly satisfied just enjoying the presence of each other (and the presents…we always seemed to get together around holidays…)

As with all middle school romances, we moved on from each other, thankful for the experience of our first starter relationship.

Dear David,

You were my first true and real love. What we had was hardly a conventional relationship. We bonded over a mutual hatred for my brother and somehow from hate blossomed love. It was always us against the world and this of course makes all relationships seem more intense than they actually are.

But I loved you and spent most days worrying about what we would have to do to end up together in the end – you put me through the ringer man. Things you did to torture my brother tortured me to a degree as well. My relationship with my family was like walking on a flaming tight rope the entire time we were together.

I always compared us to Romeo and Juliet – our love born from hate, our families tearing us apart, the only certainty about our future being our love. But in the end, I couldn’t throw away everything for you. I sometimes regret that and wonder how things would be now if we had stuck it out and stayed together. But, it doesn’t matter anymore. A part of me will always love you and I’m glad to know you are healthy and alive. And that’s all I need.

Dear Jonathan,

Ahh Jonathan. What can I say about you? You were my first college fling. I was never attracted to you and honestly always felt very guarded around you but you were obsessed with me to say the least – made apparently by the premature invitations of romantic get aways and the unconfirmed proposal I’m convinced was on your mind – and I ate that up. You taught me a harsh lesson – that I’m a lot more shallow than I thought I was. Aside from the fact that you were a sketchy character, voluntary spent the entirety of almost ever weekend at Graham Central Station, and had bugs in your house, I didn’t like you because of the way you looked. And it was something I couldn’t get past, and I feel bad for that fact.

But you were nice, surprisingly insightful, and you treated me well. I know you would be a good and reliable friend to anyone who would have you. You always told me how beautiful I was and how lucky you were. I won’t soon forget the many afternoons we spent napping in your bed or waking up with you the mornings after drunken nights at Graham, wondering what I was thinking.

Dear Jason,

There is not one part of you that fits the criteria of men I am attracted to. Frat boy – no thank you. Male chauvinistic – no thank you. Fat – no thank you. But for some reason I spent the majority of The Summer of The Haus harboring a crush for you. I loved stealing kisses from you.

But you also taught me a valuable lesson in that some men – you, specifically – are assholes. Plain and simple. You’re immature and honestly one of the biggest hypocrites I’ve ever met in my life. Maybe this makes me sound like a jilted lover, and so be it. But learn how to treat a lady and grow up and out of the frat house, and then we’ll talk.

Dear Steven,

I hated you from the moment I met you – literally – and I’m not sure when or why things changed. A part of me really wished they hadn’t. I formed the biggest, most awkward crush on you, and it was unexplainable. It was the first time I truly felt betrayed by myself, like I was going crazy. Not a good feeling. Part of me is glad because without the feelings I would’ve never fought so hard for your friendship, and I enjoy hanging out with you. It frustrates me because there is something I see in you that clearly no one else sees, not even you. And I wish there was some way for me to capitalize on that somehow. I love you in a completely unselfish way in that I want you to be happy, no matter what that means for me in relation to you. I was over the moon when I found out you had a girlfriend because I knew you were happy and someone was taking care of you. I’ve never felt that unselfishly about my love for someone, and I thank you for showing me that I can feel that way.

Dear Michael,

I have to admit that the very first night I met you, I thought to myself, “this guy is really cute. I definitely want to hook up with him tonight.” Of course, things don’t always work out the way you want them too and I ended up going home early with a friend.

Imagine my surprise when months later, after I had resigned to casual friendship with you, we hooked up. I often think back to those days and wonder what was going through my head. You must’ve thought I was such a floozy. I actually liked you, so it was silly of me to jump the gun so soon.

In the end it never progressed anywhere past friendship, you got a girlfriend, and I of course remain terminally single. Distance was never on my side, but I like to think if it had been, maybe there could’ve been something between us. You are an amazing person, and though we aren’t even close friends, you are one of my favorite people I have ever met. You are going to make some girl extremely happy, and of her I will always be jealous.

*Note: Names have been changed to protect the innocent. And even the not-so-innocent.

things i love thursday

1.blondexpresso 2.kstoon 3.stokedstephi 4.evablue 5.lucywardle 6.psychic_heart 7.kimhascats 8.bitchbuzz 9.northernstarandthewhiterabbit 10.dhammza 11.12370270@N05 12.inju

Soft Pastels Every couple months I try out a new art project to see if I’m any good at it. I have an art kit filled with different mediums which makes this easy. Lately, I’ve been doing pastels and I really like it! I’m actually semi-satisfied with how things are coming out. I’ve even been drawing people which I don’t ever do. Today I went to Michael’s and got some brand new oil pastels and a brand new sketch pad. Hopefully I’ll be able to upload a couple of pictures once I get some good ones done. Just FYI, I definitely like oil pastels as opposed to the more chalky ones.

Foreign Films So admittedly, I started watching foreign films to appear more cultured, or maybe I just wanted to BE more cultured. Semantics, doesn’t matter. Point is, I have grown to LOVE foreign films. Especially anything starring Gael Garcia Bernal. I haven’t watched a lot of French films but I’ve watched several Spanish films and I love them. I definitely need to watch more. Also, I feel that foreign films are totally not awkward about sex and nudity. Which is good because I feel like Americans are really awkward about that sort of thing and over-dramatize it.

Chinese Food Chinese food is one of those foods that I would absolutely would not and could not eat every day or even more than once a week. But it’s also one of those foods that when a craving for it is satisfied…it is SO GOOD. After work the other day I got a nice lunch of Kung Pao chicken and white rice and it was totally delightful. Plus, it was enough food that it last for three full left over meals and it was only $6! Good AND cheap. I love it.

Priscilla Ahn I saw her on Jay Leno or something the other night and I was so intrigued because she was just this totally chill girl with a guitar and a harmonica. She has a nice soothing voice and I like her music, so that’s pretty much what I’ve been listening to lately. She’s apparently friends with Cary Brothers which is cool because I like him. You may remember him from the Garden State soundtrack. Zach Braff loves him. And he loves Priscilla Ahn. And so do I.

Echinacea I think that I have put echinacea on TILT before but here’s the deal. I started taking echinacea awhile ago, and I never got sick (it’s supposed to build your immune system and protect you from illness). Well, over Christmas break, I left my Echinacea at the 16th House and just never got around to buying anymore. Well, when I stopped taking Echinacea, I got the flu TWICE and I got mono! So needless to say, I just bought some more and I stoked to be healthy again.

Swimming Our pool is officially open and filled and ready to go! The past few days I have been in the pool all day, mostly floating around and reading. But when that gets boring, I put away the book and the float and I start doing laps. I think swimming is the greatest thing ever because I have SO much fun doing it, and it’s totally exercise! But you can’t tell it’s exercise because it’s so fun. Which is the best kind. The bad thing is, it totally works your leg muscles which I really don’t need any more of.

Interior Decorating Moving back into my parents house, I realized how much I hate my bedroom. I’ve had the same leopard bedspread since nineteen dickity six, the walls are grossly green, and the furniture is all old and ugly, from the desk to the TV stand to the reclining Lay-Z-Boy in the corner. So I’ve been reading a lot of design articles and looking at a lot of stuff to get for my room so that when I have money, I can redo the place. I have 2 themes in mind: I either want to do one half of the room City and one half Beach, or do a room inspired by Carrie Bradshaw. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Showtime Series I love any series that Showtime comes out with. Queer As Folk, obviously. Weeds, I have an irrational obsession with Nancy Botwin. I just watched the premiere of Still Single with Eric Schaeffer and I loved it. I started watching The Secret Diaries Of A Call Girl when it premiered and it is good so far. I love Californication and can’t wait for the new season. My next project is to watch the first two seasons of the Tudors, which I started doing awhile ago but abandoned. Showtime, FTW!

Oral Fixations After watching Weeds almost constantly to catch up for the past couple days, I am completely developing an oral fixation. Nancy Botwin ALWAYS has something in her mouth, usually a straw or a lollipop. I think I’ve always had a semi-oral fixation (insert Katelin making jokes about the Blow Queen), but now it is surfacing due to my extreme desire to BE Nancy Botwin.

Being Barefoot I do love shoes, really. The thing is, I love a great going-out shoe, I love heels and wedges and boots. But I hate sneakers, and usually, if I must wear shoes, I’ll wear flip flops. But more often than not, I find myself barefoot. I will go anywhere possible barefoot. Obviously I can’t go into stores (I even got yelled at by the woman at Kimmy’s) but…anywhere allowed, I will do it. I love the feeling, I love feeling just completely natural and running around freely. This is all weird because I hate feet, a lot. Hmm.

Oversized Bags Here’s the thing. I love ridiculously oversized bags. The thing is, I don’t really carry lots of things with me. In fact, I find myself carrying unnecessary things just so that my bag can seem fuller. I’ll carry around my journal, a book to read, my planner, my wallet, my pills, lotions, makeup…all these things just to run to the store. But I love gigantic bags. I recently got a crossover bag from Target and, while I feel somewhat like a hippie with my crossover bag and pony beads, I love it and I love how big it is.

Pretty Little Mistakes Remember when we were little and they had those Choose Your Own Adventure books, which were always so fun? Well this is a Choose Your Own Adventure for adults! It’s so good and fun. Like, you can become a meth addict, or have an affair with the dean of the school you teach at only to have her murder you, or you can catch your boyfriend in bed with someone else or move to Paris or…there are tons of storylines! It’s a forever book, you can always make a new story. I love it. Definitely pick it up.

Loves it,
Pontius