letters to my favorite ex-boyfriends/flings/crushes

Photo by alundpughe

Dear Matthew*,

You were the first boy I ever had a crush on! I never went through the “cooties” phase or any phrase where I believed boys to be gross. I was boy crazy from the beginning. You were in my preschool class and you looked adorable in your acid wash jean shorts and TMNT tee. And you had such a nice smile!

I don’t remember doing this but in a video of our preschool graduation, my dad zooms in on us while I fix your collar for you and fuss with your clothes to make sure you look fabulous for the most important days of our lives (at that point). We look just like a married couple. It’s adorable.

But after pre-school we went out separate ways and to this day I have never run into you again.

Dear Mark,

I think after two of our classmates became a “couple” at recess in second grade and had a public wedding ceremony, you and I wanted in on the action. I’m not sure how we ever paired up. I do remember I had to bring in a note to go home with you after school and our teacher laughed and teased us, which was awkward.

We went back to your house and locked ourselves in you room. We made rings out of rubber bands, put them on each other’s fingers, and kissed. We fell to the ground laughing at how ridiculous it all was and swore to never tell anyone about it. Of course we told all our friends the next day. And I’m telling everyone now.

Dear Jesse,

I spent most of fifth grade changing my mind over whether I had a crush on you or your best friend. I can’t even remember now who won out in the end, though I think in the end it was you. I remember my best friend and I sitting in the back of the bus with you and him on the way to a field trip thinking we were so cool – rambunctiously flirting and teasing each other. I also remember I found a caterpillar at recess one day that I named Jack Dawson and you threw him on the ground and smooshed him. This probably meant you liked me.

Dear Heath,

You were my first “boyfriend,” although this was in middle school so, make necessary adjustments to the definition of “boyfriend.” You were sweet and we had fun, though to be honest I remember very little of our time together. It has nothing to do with you, it’s my silly memory.

We went to the movies a lot on “dates” and were completely and utterly innocent in every way. We never kissed, hardly held hands, and were perfectly satisfied just enjoying the presence of each other (and the presents…we always seemed to get together around holidays…)

As with all middle school romances, we moved on from each other, thankful for the experience of our first starter relationship.

Dear David,

You were my first true and real love. What we had was hardly a conventional relationship. We bonded over a mutual hatred for my brother and somehow from hate blossomed love. It was always us against the world and this of course makes all relationships seem more intense than they actually are.

But I loved you and spent most days worrying about what we would have to do to end up together in the end – you put me through the ringer man. Things you did to torture my brother tortured me to a degree as well. My relationship with my family was like walking on a flaming tight rope the entire time we were together.

I always compared us to Romeo and Juliet – our love born from hate, our families tearing us apart, the only certainty about our future being our love. But in the end, I couldn’t throw away everything for you. I sometimes regret that and wonder how things would be now if we had stuck it out and stayed together. But, it doesn’t matter anymore. A part of me will always love you and I’m glad to know you are healthy and alive. And that’s all I need.

Dear Jonathan,

Ahh Jonathan. What can I say about you? You were my first college fling. I was never attracted to you and honestly always felt very guarded around you but you were obsessed with me to say the least – made apparently by the premature invitations of romantic get aways and the unconfirmed proposal I’m convinced was on your mind – and I ate that up. You taught me a harsh lesson – that I’m a lot more shallow than I thought I was. Aside from the fact that you were a sketchy character, voluntary spent the entirety of almost ever weekend at Graham Central Station, and had bugs in your house, I didn’t like you because of the way you looked. And it was something I couldn’t get past, and I feel bad for that fact.

But you were nice, surprisingly insightful, and you treated me well. I know you would be a good and reliable friend to anyone who would have you. You always told me how beautiful I was and how lucky you were. I won’t soon forget the many afternoons we spent napping in your bed or waking up with you the mornings after drunken nights at Graham, wondering what I was thinking.

Dear Jason,

There is not one part of you that fits the criteria of men I am attracted to. Frat boy – no thank you. Male chauvinistic – no thank you. Fat – no thank you. But for some reason I spent the majority of The Summer of The Haus harboring a crush for you. I loved stealing kisses from you.

But you also taught me a valuable lesson in that some men – you, specifically – are assholes. Plain and simple. You’re immature and honestly one of the biggest hypocrites I’ve ever met in my life. Maybe this makes me sound like a jilted lover, and so be it. But learn how to treat a lady and grow up and out of the frat house, and then we’ll talk.

Dear Steven,

I hated you from the moment I met you – literally – and I’m not sure when or why things changed. A part of me really wished they hadn’t. I formed the biggest, most awkward crush on you, and it was unexplainable. It was the first time I truly felt betrayed by myself, like I was going crazy. Not a good feeling. Part of me is glad because without the feelings I would’ve never fought so hard for your friendship, and I enjoy hanging out with you. It frustrates me because there is something I see in you that clearly no one else sees, not even you. And I wish there was some way for me to capitalize on that somehow. I love you in a completely unselfish way in that I want you to be happy, no matter what that means for me in relation to you. I was over the moon when I found out you had a girlfriend because I knew you were happy and someone was taking care of you. I’ve never felt that unselfishly about my love for someone, and I thank you for showing me that I can feel that way.

Dear Michael,

I have to admit that the very first night I met you, I thought to myself, “this guy is really cute. I definitely want to hook up with him tonight.” Of course, things don’t always work out the way you want them too and I ended up going home early with a friend.

Imagine my surprise when months later, after I had resigned to casual friendship with you, we hooked up. I often think back to those days and wonder what was going through my head. You must’ve thought I was such a floozy. I actually liked you, so it was silly of me to jump the gun so soon.

In the end it never progressed anywhere past friendship, you got a girlfriend, and I of course remain terminally single. Distance was never on my side, but I like to think if it had been, maybe there could’ve been something between us. You are an amazing person, and though we aren’t even close friends, you are one of my favorite people I have ever met. You are going to make some girl extremely happy, and of her I will always be jealous.

*Note: Names have been changed to protect the innocent. And even the not-so-innocent.

things i love thursday!

1.aunraza 2.seat42f 3.jenniferesperanza 4.martianmermaid 5.ajpscs 6.wili 7.sharonkcooper 8.icopythat 9.maximus_1 10.drp 11.jaredvincent 12.ravenu

Mombasa Mosquito Net - Most recent purchase. Check out The Attack Of The Prehistoric Creatures for the main reason why I am so thankful for this purchase. But other than the fact that it has saved me from the flying creatures that seem to sneak in through my windows, I just love the feeling of waking up inside the mosquito net. It’s so summery, and it makes me feel like a princess in the depths of a jungle in India. I also think it completely changes the atmosphere in my room, it makes it seem more elegant in some way. It’s completely wonderful.

Guillermo on Weeds - I’m not sure why, but I am completely (and very weirdly) attracted to Guillermo on Weeds. He’s hands down my favorite character on the show (besides Nancy, who I have a huge girl crush on). The thing is, he’s not that good looking! And he’s sort of short and stocky and doesn’t have a very good face. But he’s funny and I love listening to him talk and he’s a bad ass drug dealer and I am 100% attracted to him. When he was first on the show, I thought he was just going to be some random guy that was only on one episode, now he’s working his way up to a main character. I also may have recently named my car Guillermo. What?

Possession by A.S. Byatt - So, I finally just finished this book, which took me a bit of time to read. Now, while it was definitely a hard read, it was very good. I can’t believe the time and hard work that had to have gone into writing this book. The basic plot is that two historians, each specializing in a different poet, uncover this secret relationship between the two poets through letters and poems and journals. The poets are complete fictional, so not only did A.S. Byatt write the basic plot and story but she also wrote all the poems, letters, and journal entries that are referenced in the text. It’s incredible. It’s a great book, the unfolding of the story is great, and the ending was very satisfying. I hate when you read a book, and you love it, and then the ending sucks. Not so with Possession. The ending was wonderful.

Rain - Lately it’s been Rains Magee here. Not just sprinkling, but raining really hard with huge bolts of lightening and striking thunder and it’s awesome. It’s so satisfying to run outside in the middle of a storm, standing with your arms outstretched, your face towards the sky, the rain drenching you. I seriously never feel more alive than in those moments. I love the rain. I love the sounds of it, the feel of it, the concept of it – I love how it suddenly starts out of nowhere and ends out of nowhere. It’s a wonderful part of nature. In addition, I have two different rain play lists that are very delightful to listen to while it’s raining. I will send them to you upon request, so just let me know if you want them.

Dating Quiz – I recently took this dating personality quiz on line and the results were accurate. I love when quiz results are accurate. You should take the quiz here at OkCupid! So what were my results? I got The Window Shopper RGLD (Random Gentle Love Dreamer). Among other things, it says that I am “prone to sudden, ferocious crushes” which is very true. Interestingly, it says that my ideal match is someone that I have grown to love slowly. I never really thought of that. That sudden, ferocious crushes are somewhat arbitrary and based on nothing. But growing to love someone would hold so much more meaning. Unfortunately, last time I actually grew to love somebody it ended in shit. Absolute shit.

Taking walks through the city - Recently, I took the T into the city to visit Cori while her family was staying in Boston. I ended up staying over at the hotel, and the next day, on my way back to the T, I thought, “why should I just head home? It’s a beautiful day.” So I took a nice walk around the city, around the Back Bay neighborhoods, checking out the brownstones that I will never have enough money to own and just enjoying the city on such a beautiful day. I walked down Newbury St and window shopped. This is also a huge deal because I panic about doing things alone. But it was nice to walk around with only the company of myself. So, I think this might be my new thing, I might start going into the city weekly to take walks by myself. Delightful.

Gala Darling’s “How To Have A Summer Romance (With Yourself) - What an adorable article. I adore everything that she writes, but this especially caught my attention. You know they always say that you can’t love anyone else until you love yourself? So why not spend the summer falling in love with yourself so that you can open up to other people? She talks about getting to know yourself, leaning to make compromises (with yourself), and learning to listen (to yourself). It’s really a great idea for an article. So this summer, I think I will be entertaining a summer romance with myself (which leaves the door open for masturbation jokes but get your mind out of the gutter!). Read the article here.

Improv Everywhere – This is a completely awesome. They are an improv group the set up these outlandish situations in social settings that leave the people around them totally puzzled. They get tons of people (usually volunteers) involved and they pull of these great stunts. If anyone saw the episode of Law & Order SVU where all those people froze in Grand Central Station, that was based on a mission that these guys did. My favorite mission that they did was their most recent, where they got I think 8 or 10 pairs of twins and had them create a human mirror on the subway. People getting on the train were baffled and began to question their sanity when they saw the mirror. They document all their missions through video and photos so check them out here.

The Dark Knight - I finally went to see the film the other night. I loved it. I haven’t been this impressed with a movie in a long time. After it was over, Krista and I didn’t even talk to each other, we just sat staring at the screen, in awe. Besides the fact that I was completely terrified of the Joker, I cannot believe what a good job Heath Ledger did. It really made me sad, that here he was, at possibly the height of his career, just perfecting his craft, and he lost his life. But, no Debbie Downer moments. I loved that I was completely stressed through the whole movie, that almost every scene had me on the edge of my seat, and that I was maybe secretly rooting for the Joker just because it’s Heath. The movie was phenomenal.

Sushi Dates – I had the biggest craving for sushi for like 6 months, but I haven’t really had the money or the access to good sushi to actually go out and get some. The other day, I joined Krista, Katie, Meg, and Elyse at Asian C for a sushi date. Thank god! I got the Caterpillar roll, possibly my favorite sushi ever and it was magnificent. I’ve had better presentations at other places but taste wise, this was amazing. When I think about it, it’s insane that I actually consider sushi one of my favorite foods because I hate seafood. But sushi is so wonderful and tasty, seafood be damned! Tonight I’m going out with Rooney and Keryn and whoever else shows up for another sushi date, so color me stoked.

“Bases Loaded” – Dunkin Donuts is running a contest promotion where you get a prize with every iced coffee you buy. Everyone’s a winner! Mostly you get a dollar off a flat bread sandwich, but sometimes you get a free iced coffee, or a free sandwich, or other fun and useful coupons. Also, you get a code that you can enter on line to win bigger prizes. What’s fun about this is that you go on line, enter the code, and you get to choose you pitcher – Jonathan Papelbon (my love) or Joba Chamberlain (that piece of shit from the Yankees). Then you go up at bat, and if they get you out, you lose. But if you hit a home run, you win! Which, I haven’t done yet. But I’m holding out hope!

Seth Green - Well, I recently started watching my old Buffy DVDs, specifically Seasons 3 and 4, and I have reopened and obsession with Seth Green. I mean, Oz was one of the best characters on Buffy, with his trademark stoicism, and he was also so cute with Willow (until he cheated on her with another werewolf). And then of course there is Robot Chicken, and Family Guy, and everything else Seth Green has ever done and I realized yesterday that I want a boyfriend exactly like him! Then, whilst on the phone with J:10, he suggested that I check out Seth Green, which really weirded me out since I had been randomly lusting over him lately. So, Seth Green, if you’re out there reading this…I love you.

Loves it!
Ponz