the ponz’s guide to air travel

Photo by Flip Barrientos

Two weeks ago I officially began my career in the airline industry. Working at the ticket counter, I have already come across enough people experiencing travel faux pas that I feel inspired to write this blog, covering several helpful hints and guidelines for you to be aware of before you plan your next vacation. Knowing the facts will mean you can get to the airport later free of worries, and will minimize the risk of you missing your plane.

Check and double check your itinerary, even if you booked through a travel agency. They make mistakes! You have no idea how many people come in trying to check in for flights that left two days ago. They then think that because their travel agent messed up, not them, that they should not be charged. But you are responsible for knowing your reservation! You will be charged to change your flight because it was not the airlines fault.

Know the policies and fees associated with the airline you a flying. Do they charge for a second bag? For a first? How many pounds are considered overweight? What is allowed to be in your checked/carry-on luggage? What happens if you miss your flight? These are all things you should know before you arrive at the airport. My airline charges $50 for any bags over 50 pounds and I can’t tell you how many times I hear “FIFTY DOLLARS!?!? Are you KIDDING me?!” every day. I always let people try to take things out and rearrange so they can avoid the fee, but weighing your bag before you leave in the morning can expedite the entire situation.

You are not an exception no matter what your situation is. Although you are the customer and we want you to be happy, just because you are you does not mean we will magically waive the fee. Be prepared if you know you may have to pay a little extra.

Check in online if you are able to. Then your time at the airport is so much quicker. At my airline, we have a bag drop line, so if you check in online (or at the kiosk) and already have your boarding pass, we just check your ID, scan your boarding pass, take your bag and you’re done! Quick!

The airlines do not control the weather and no matter how much you yell at your ticket agent, if ATC tells us we aren’t flying, we aren’t flying! Do you really want your plane to hit turbulence and go down in a field in Iowa? We know how frustrating it is to have a delay, we’ve flown too! But there is literally NOTHING we can do about it.

We won’t hold the plane for you, sorry. I didn’t know this before I started working, but the airline is fined for every minute that the plane is late taking off that is their fault (not due to weather or ATC, etc). If you’re late, you’re late. If the jetbridge door is closed, it’s not opening for you. If that planes takes off late because of you, that throws off flights for the entire day.

We can’t boot someone from their aisle seat just becaue you want it. Seats are first come, first serve. We get that you may need to get up to pee 6 times during the flight, but that is something you have to work out with Mr. Aisle Seat Holder. If you have a middle, you have a middle. Someone has to sit there.

That’s all I can think of right now. If I think of any more I will let you know.

The Ponz

reeboks with the straps (with the straps.)

Photo by DJ Bass

 

Due to the fact that the stars have aligned and decided to work against me, no matter how many applications I fill out, I have an amazing ability to not be able to get a job. Because of this, I decided to join a temp agency. The beauty of this is that they have to give me a job. It’s their job to give ME a job. Amazing. So after a year of being away at school and Summer Haus-ing, I’m finally back in action as a temp. After an excruciating job of handing out fliers, and a slightly less excruciating job as a receptionist at a wine company, I have landed my current job, a week or so long stint at the Reebok Corporate Headquarters.

Architecturally this building is very aesthetically pleasing, very modern. Not only that, but Reebok being very athletically oriented, the building has many opportunities for fun and exercise: an outdoor track, a football field, a softball diamond, indoor and outdoor basketball courts, a lacrosse field, a full gym…it even has a MOAT. A MOAT! Am I working at Reebok or a mystical castle being attacked by a black knight? My first day of work, I saw a pool boy skimming the pool for bugs and trash. ALL. DAY.

I work with a group of four other females getting together the displays for Reeboks samples for what I can only assume is their 2009 or 2010 line. Basically, they get in a bunch of boxes, filled with clothing samples that the group of us check in and hang up very carefully. The second part of the day, we take the old samples from last year down, fold them and put them in boxes for a sample sale (which I would like to be told the time, date, and location of.)  It’s a pretty legit job. We can bring music and talk and do whatever the whole time.

Now in every job…there’s a weirdo. It’s inevitable. I feel the chances are higher in this case since I’ve found that, like me, most people working for this particular agency are temps by day, raging alcoholics by nights and/or weekends. Now in this particular group…there’s Mary.

Mary is the very image of everything I fear my life becoming, standing before me, staring me in my face for 8 hours a day. She wears jeans that a little too tight for her, causing her zipper to occasionally travel a few too many centimeters south. She wears cheap lavander T-shirts from Kohl’s (with something cliché like seashells or flowers or watermelons embossed on them)…TUCKED INTO HER JEANS. Jeans that I believe are flared. FLARED. She hasn’t updated her roots since 2002, so there are about 5 inches of gray roots, followed by very dry, very fake, blonde - all pulled back into a scraggly ponytail. She has a pudgy face, shielded only by a pair of ugly glasses.

You know, I can deal with ugly people who haven’t updated their style since 1982. But to top off all that, she’s ANNOYING. She asks awkward questions. Every word uttered from her mouth manages to make the rest of us completely uncomfortable. She is completely inept. I don’t understand how she has survived life with her work ethic. After 9 o’clock in the morning, she pretty much spends the rest of the day finding ways to not do any work. It’s infuriating.

Our job is VERY particular. The samples are split up into about 15 different categories, each with their own rack. There are separate hangers for men, women, kids, suits, shorts/pants/skirts, and lingerie. There are certain ways of folding things. Everything has to be facing the same way on the racks. Our boss very clearly explained the importance of all of this to us. It’s all very particular, but it’s also all VERY simple and easy. IT’S HANGING UP CLOTHES, come on.

Mary can’t seem to grasp any of this. She hangs pants on suit hangers. She hangs everything backwards. We have to fix almost everything she does – instead of helping she just creates more work. But you know what, whatever, I just fixed her stupid mistakes and rolled with the punches. I’m bad at confrontation. But then, while checking a rack of Men’s Sports Basics, I noticed some things mixed in…Women’s Lifestyle, Men’s Lifestyle, etc – things that didn’t belong. The following conversation happened:

Me: What’s going on with this rack?
Mary: Oh, those are Men’s Sports Basics.
Me: Why are all these other ones mixed in?
Mary: Oh, I figure whatever. They’re all the same.
Me: *GLARES*

Normally, I don’t care really. But I NEED money, I NEED this job. And being more or less an unsupervised job, if Mary messes up, we all mess up. This makes it all the more frustrating. But you know what; I can fix her mistakes, be a hard worker, and get a good reference. So I don’t even really let this get to me. But then…

Mary: Guys, look at this jacket.
(Here she holds up a black puffy jacket lined with hot pink.)
Mary: It’s men’s! If I brought home anything like this for my boyfriend, he would tell me to send it back!

I think my jaw hit the floor. Mary, gray roots, muffin top jeans, inability to pick up social cues Mary…HAS A BOYFRIEND?! Shocking. I can see a husband. Someone who married her when she still had her youth. But someone out there, without the bindings of years of matrimony, is WILLINGLY dating Mary. Possibly even fuc….never mind. I can’t complete that thought.

Later I stared at single self in the mirror in the bathroom and wondered how I was possibly single while Mary had a boyfriend. Later still I hugged my body pillow as I fell asleep thinking about how Mary was probably hugging a real human body. Needless to say it was nightmare inducing. But then I realized, this is a good thing. Because if Mary has a boyfriend? Well then there’s hope for all us single gals. Because there’s no way that there is someone for Mary and not someone for the rest of us. And I firmly believe this.

Meanwhile, working with Reebok makes me think of Flo Rida, which makes me think of dancing, which makes me think of drinking(which has to take place before I participate in the dancing), which makes me think, does anyone want to do anything this weekend involving drinking and possibly dancing?